This post was written after being inspired by that there @mrs_jenx . Thankyou, when I win a Writer Prize And Ting, I’ll dedicate it to you. Also, Starbucks.
I suppose, I’m a grown up. I’m legally an adult, have been for some time you know. It still takes me by surprise when I am taken seriously. Dang, it still takes me by surprise when I am referred to as a woman and not a girl, to be honest.I’m a pretty crap adult. I’m AWFUL with money, and I’ll make any excuse not to clean the bathroom (Friday’s excuse? The bathroom was wet. THE BATHROOM. WAS. WET.) I don’t drink wine like a proper adult, because I always think it will taste like Ribena, and it doesn’t you know, and then I get disappointed. I drink Gin, which my Ma likens to perfume. I can dig it. But lately, I’ve had to do some Pretty Grown Up Things (not like that, you filthy creatures). I’ve had to make difficult choices, and have uncomfortable conversations. I’ve had to make Life Decisions, and fill out official paperwork, and change my life, and the lives of others. Others who I have brought into this world, and other’s who I built a world with. Can you see what I’m getting at here? Sometimes, being a Grown Up makes you unbearably sad. The level of decisions and responsibility is overwhelming sometimes, and you can’t run away when the buck stops with you.
But sometimes, being a Grown Up is pretty great. Like, being able to go out with your awesome babe friends, and drink and IF YOU GET IDd, it’s okay, because you’re 27, not 15. Being able to legitimately tut at secondary school children on the bus (noisy feckers) and have a nice chat about biscuits with the older lady behind you at the queue in Sainsburys. Never again will I have to do my GCSE’s, decide what degree to pick, or worry what it means when a boy says “See you later” (what does that even MEAN???) Nope. We’re all adults here, move along, enough of your jip.
Would you like a list? Have a list:
How to be an adult:
1) On a day off, wake early, and have a clear objective about your aims for the day. Don’t languish in bed listening to FabricLive tracks, in your pants, before finally dragging yourself into the shower at midday, before eating a balanced lunch of HobNobs, toast, and cuppa soup. Don’t make yourself a coffee, leave it on your bedside cabinet, forget about it, drink it cold and pretend it’s a Frappuchino.
2) Drink wine. Know stuff about wine. Don’t drink Gin, neat, a lot, before laughing about how weird feet are. I mean, LOOK AT THEM.
3) Save a third of your monthly paycheque, put it into your savings. Don’t spend all of your wages in Wagamama’s and on ASOS within ten hours of them being deposited in your bank account.
4) Learn to drive. Get a Sensible Car, perhaps a Prius. Be smug about it. Don’t fail your driving test, then cry all the way back from Crystal Palace about it.
5) Watch Ray Mears, Have I Got News For You, and other interesting and topical programmes. Perhaps BBC Question Time. Don’t watch Boardwalk Empire just to perve over Steve Buscemi.
6) Have serious discussions with your friends. Don’t WhatsApp them bitching about everything and everyone who has ever slighted you ‘Look at that bitch instagramming her eggs florentine’, and don’t refer to anyone as being DTF. That is very childish.
7) When asked your name in Starbucks, give your correct name and smile patiently when explaining they’ve heard wrong. You’re not called Luther, it’s Ruth. Don’t give yourself a Starbucks alias and take photos of said alias on your cup whenever possible.
8) Have a calm discussion with whoever has upset you. Don’t passive-agressively tweet about it, or tweet songs that fit.
9) If someone disagrees with you, understand that’s their right, and take it with good grace. Don’t shout ‘HATERS GON’ HATE!’, and flick the Vs behind their back.
10) When you go to university, to study for your degree, turn up to every lecture and seminar, bright eyed and bushy tailed. Don’t ‘banter’ with your lecturers, and suggest your personal tutor isn’t ‘busy’ but he is, in fact, ‘just fucking lazy’. Be proud that your lecturer is a published author on anthropology. Don’t suggest they ‘share the wealth’ with their seminar group.
11) Do stimulating, worthy and wholesome activities with your offspring. Don’t still be in your pajamas or lounge pants (velour, pink, covered in dried Petit Filous) by naptime, after feeding your children yet another meal of fishfingers sandwiches because that’s all they will eat. Make organic lentil type shiz for them.
12) Create an interesting, and politically informative blog. Choose a serious blog name. Don’t chose one which borderline- refers to the film Secretary. No one needs to know that about you.
13) Don’t swear. Don’t use ‘fucking’ as every fucking second cunting word.
Growing up. Are we nearly there yet?